On the search for and creation of our identities as sentient beings we define ourselves by the memories we have accumulated. Our actions are then driven by our the programming created through those experiences, in a process of gradual awakening, or sleep. Our present situation is a combination of choices and circumstances. Karma is simply cause and effect continually rippling ad infinitum. The questions eventually arise, if I am not my body or mind, who am I? What am I? Are we faceless conscious awareness bound to forms destined to dissipate into the ocean as the wave collapses?
By age 2 my questions began. I remember waking up into my biological machine, or my body, when I started to dream. I was flying in rocking chair over the nearby sea in St. Thomas USVI. I had become conscious. My sister would point out the angels on the hill side as we played.
My community was an intensely spiritual/agricultural circle of Rastas, constantly debating the meaning of scripture and practicing the ideals of our ideology; living a clean and natural life style. One day overlooking the hills I asked my father “if god made man, who made god?” My father was humble in this sense and never claimed to know, “no man has ever looked upon the face of god, to my knowledge man makes god in his image.” This was the first time of many that I heard “in due time you will understand,” which gave me an irresistible urge to grow up.
At those times before I could read, my recurring nightmare was seen from an ants perspective. My father had an extensive library and art collection; books that were older than me that would take lifetimes to understand, one in particular now costs $4000. This is where I’d begin to be programmed first with images in infancy, and later in word when I began to read them. The first symbols were the star of david, lion of judah, yan/yang, ladder of lights, flower of life, and the merkaba.
Each experience we have as sentient beings creates grooves in our brain which correspond with those experiences. This is why ages 0-5 is the most crucial phase in child development. I was separated from my mother by age 3 or 4. My parents separated. My existential introversion was labelled “depression”. In terms of vibration it would mean I had adapted to a lower vibrational frequency pattern due to this early scarring, the blues. That being said, biologically there is also a history of that scarring in my chemical make-up from both sides of my family genetically, which I’d eventually learn was largely in part to socio-political circumstance.
Eventually mom calls dad. I’m sure all of these are corrupt memories, though not so sure this decision was conscious, unconscious or even mines to make, but I remember my dad saying over the phone, “You need to make a choice, you can’t be going back and forth.” This was my first memory of the concept of free will and choice. In effect, I was raised by my father. My growth thereafter came through a series of agreements my father and I had made, and of course my own missteps along the way coupled with external causes beyond my control.
My search officially began around age 7, when my step mother began her journey into Christianity and requested that my brother’s and I be baptized. My father refused to allow us to be baptized without our own understanding of the religion, and gave us the responsibility and freedom to choose our own spiritual practice. This was one of the greatest blessings of my life; freedom of thought.
I’d heard that Jesus took his covenant by age 12, so I had studied the worlds major religions and compiled them into a small book, and chosen to practice Rastafari by that age. This agreement is summed up as “right thought, right speech, right action.” In order to wear the crown of dreadlocks, once must be a king, as Haile Selassie I. I went into silence, and training on the aforementioned mysteries.
My Judeo-Christian belief is still a very important part of me though my perspective of it has been dramatically enhanced, transformed through disillusionment and realizations of the truths that only those with ears can hear. By 24 I’d officially ended my practice, went through a dark period and came out with a set of tools that aided in the process of gradual awakening, in a hermetic buddhist sense; yoga/ meditation, science/technology, music/art, etc.
These tools I’ve come to call “Quantum Helix.”